So, if you've come to this blog, I probably know a good bit about why you are here and how you feel. Because I was, for a very long time, where you might be right now. Sometimes, I really don't like to remember back, but when I do, I am grateful because I learned so much about myself along the way.
But first, a bit of background. My name is Sara. I'm thirty something. Most people close to me tell me that I am attractive, friendly, and intelligent. I am not socially inept (at least I think I'm not) and as far as I know, there isn't something obviously wrong with me.
I have lot of friends, a fulfilling career, and can converse with just about anyone. In general, I have always had a lot to be grateful for and a lot going for me.
But for what I later learned were reoccurring reasons and issues, I kept attracting men who were wrong for me and ended up in relationships that failed. Some were just losers. Some were bad boys. Some were nice guys who just didn't end up being right for me or who couldn't hold my interest.
With one in particular, I had a 3 1/2 year very serious relationship that ended quite badly and painfully. Truthfully, it shattered my heart and left me unable to even consider relationships for a very long time.
But, as my 30th birthday approached and I saw all of my friends, former roommates, and coworkers pairing off and getting married, I decided to get really serious about seeing if I could find the person who I was meant to be with, a soul mate if you will.
It occurred to me that I had spent more time researching a computer than I did about learning how to find the RIGHT person that I wanted to spend and rest of my life with. I really wanted and needed to stop making and repeating the same mistakes over and over.
And, deep down in my heart, (even though I told myself I was doing just fine,) there was a void in my life. I wanted so much to find someone that I could share things with. Maybe I was a romantic or just seeing things through rose colored glasses, but I believe there is someone out there for every one. I wanted so badly to find that person for me.
So, I tried really hard to evaluate where I went wrong before and just started trying to put myself out there, but it was an unbelievable disaster - at least at first.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
What I Tried (And Why It Didn't Work)
So, I did what most people were doing at the time. I signed up for online dating as well as dating services. I tried the speed dating route. I tried going to places where women typically meet men and I even allowed well meaning friends to set me up.
To be fair, there were a few relationships that came out of these attempts, but, in the end, they all failed. At the time, I didn't know why. I did everything I could to put my best foot forward. I poured myself in improving my appearance, even took a stand up comedy class to learn how to be easy going and fun to be around, and tried very hard to be a good listener.
But, these things just seemed to backfire on me and truthfully, I was miserable and not having much fun. I felt like a fake, like I was trying too hard, and that deep down, there was something wrong with me which was oh so obvious to everyone but me.
I just could not understand how some women who don't seem to have the looks or the personality have guys eating out of the palm of their hands while I was trying so hard, supposedly doing everything right and failing (think Camilla Parker Bowles and Price Charles or Hugh Grant cheating on the beautiful Liz Hurley with a scary looking street walker.)
When I had these thoughts, one coworker came to my mind. She is not classically pretty and she does not come off as especially smart, but nice, attractive guys swarm around her.
One day, at lunch, I fessed up and told this coworker that I thought she was tops at interacting with men, and that she had a nice act going. She corrected me immediately, saying "Sara, this is not an act. Everyone likes someone who is open and happy. No offense, but you tend to give off the vibe that you're not entirely interested or receptive. "
What?! After I got over my complete horror and shock, I thought about what she said. Could I be giving off bad vibes? Because most times I was pretty interested! I didn't think so, but there was no doubt what I was doing hadn't been working for me.
Ok, there was a new plan for me. I figured from now on, I would try emulating her and opening myself up more to see where that got me. Turns out, this wasn't the definitive answer either, but not for the reasons I thought.
To be fair, there were a few relationships that came out of these attempts, but, in the end, they all failed. At the time, I didn't know why. I did everything I could to put my best foot forward. I poured myself in improving my appearance, even took a stand up comedy class to learn how to be easy going and fun to be around, and tried very hard to be a good listener.
But, these things just seemed to backfire on me and truthfully, I was miserable and not having much fun. I felt like a fake, like I was trying too hard, and that deep down, there was something wrong with me which was oh so obvious to everyone but me.
I just could not understand how some women who don't seem to have the looks or the personality have guys eating out of the palm of their hands while I was trying so hard, supposedly doing everything right and failing (think Camilla Parker Bowles and Price Charles or Hugh Grant cheating on the beautiful Liz Hurley with a scary looking street walker.)
When I had these thoughts, one coworker came to my mind. She is not classically pretty and she does not come off as especially smart, but nice, attractive guys swarm around her.
One day, at lunch, I fessed up and told this coworker that I thought she was tops at interacting with men, and that she had a nice act going. She corrected me immediately, saying "Sara, this is not an act. Everyone likes someone who is open and happy. No offense, but you tend to give off the vibe that you're not entirely interested or receptive. "
What?! After I got over my complete horror and shock, I thought about what she said. Could I be giving off bad vibes? Because most times I was pretty interested! I didn't think so, but there was no doubt what I was doing hadn't been working for me.
Ok, there was a new plan for me. I figured from now on, I would try emulating her and opening myself up more to see where that got me. Turns out, this wasn't the definitive answer either, but not for the reasons I thought.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
What I Learned Men Want
So, armed with what Ms. coworker told me, I started to research what men really want from women (cause I wasn't sure if she was exactly right.)
I asked close men friends and read lots of books WRITTEN by men trying to figure out what men REALLY want in women. And guess what?
There are some universal similarities, but there are also some differences. Almost all men want a woman who is attentive, who "gets them," and appreciates them, but other than that, there's really no cut and dry answer here.
Men have different personalities and preferences just like we do. Men who like to play games or who are "players" will be attracted to a higher maintenance woman who like to play hard to get. (The beautiful ice princesses.) (I did not want this type of guy.)
Men who are down to earth and mature are more likely to be attracted to a warm, loving and open person who doesn't make them work so hard to understand what she wants, who she is, or what she's about. (He cares more about your personality than someone who looks flawless. This is the kind I wanted!)
In other words, like attracts like in successful, easy relationships. Does this mean that opposites don't attract or can't work? Not at all.
But, what I learned is that it's optimal that, deep down in each person's core, they agree upon their level of commitment, affection, and optimally, their world view.
At the end of the day, I came to believe that a decent man is more likely to fall in love with a woman who makes him feel attractive, interesting, and competent than one who looks like Paris Hilton. Now, the woman who is able to do this is not going to be the same for all men. One size does not fit all.
I began to get confirmation of what I had sort of suspected all along, that in order for me to be more successful and find "the one," I was going to have to change the way I was attracting these men.
Somehow, I was sending off the wrong signals into the universe. And, the universe was responding by sending back the men I was asking for. But, obviously the way I was asking (and who I had been asking for) had been all wrong.
I was starting to see things more clearly, but I need to perfect this technique. (And I eventually I did, but not before learning a few very valuable lessons first.)
I asked close men friends and read lots of books WRITTEN by men trying to figure out what men REALLY want in women. And guess what?
There are some universal similarities, but there are also some differences. Almost all men want a woman who is attentive, who "gets them," and appreciates them, but other than that, there's really no cut and dry answer here.
Men have different personalities and preferences just like we do. Men who like to play games or who are "players" will be attracted to a higher maintenance woman who like to play hard to get. (The beautiful ice princesses.) (I did not want this type of guy.)
Men who are down to earth and mature are more likely to be attracted to a warm, loving and open person who doesn't make them work so hard to understand what she wants, who she is, or what she's about. (He cares more about your personality than someone who looks flawless. This is the kind I wanted!)
In other words, like attracts like in successful, easy relationships. Does this mean that opposites don't attract or can't work? Not at all.
But, what I learned is that it's optimal that, deep down in each person's core, they agree upon their level of commitment, affection, and optimally, their world view.
At the end of the day, I came to believe that a decent man is more likely to fall in love with a woman who makes him feel attractive, interesting, and competent than one who looks like Paris Hilton. Now, the woman who is able to do this is not going to be the same for all men. One size does not fit all.
I began to get confirmation of what I had sort of suspected all along, that in order for me to be more successful and find "the one," I was going to have to change the way I was attracting these men.
Somehow, I was sending off the wrong signals into the universe. And, the universe was responding by sending back the men I was asking for. But, obviously the way I was asking (and who I had been asking for) had been all wrong.
I was starting to see things more clearly, but I need to perfect this technique. (And I eventually I did, but not before learning a few very valuable lessons first.)
Sunday, August 17, 2008
What Do You Want? (YOU MUST KNOW)
Well, I had a lot of questions answered now. I knew that I was giving off false signals and I knew that different men were attracted to different signals, but this still left me really confused and not sure how to proceed.
I wasn't sure how to attract the guy I really wanted deep down and I wasn't sure as to what kind of guy I should be attracting.
My 3 1/2 year serious relationship was with a "bad boy" very opposite of me. We had amazing chemistry and we were happy for a very long time, and then it just went wrong. He ended up cheating on me with a slacker chick who was more like him. This really threw me for a loop, because he repeatedly told me he was wildly attracted to my brainy side, and I was oh so excited (and wanted a piece of) his fast life. It never fizzled for me, but it did for him - and it hurt.
After this, I started going for what I thought were polar opposites of my bad boy. Dependable, stable, etc. But, these guys failed too. So, I was at a complete loss.
Then, I found a book called "How To Be Irresistible To A Man" that helped me answer a lot of these questions. And, as it turned out - the answers lied WITHIN ME, NOT WITHIN THE MEN I was attracting.
To find my soul mate and finally get my happily ever after, I'd need to first work on myself! I know it sounds confusing, but bear with me, because this is life changing.
I wasn't sure how to attract the guy I really wanted deep down and I wasn't sure as to what kind of guy I should be attracting.
My 3 1/2 year serious relationship was with a "bad boy" very opposite of me. We had amazing chemistry and we were happy for a very long time, and then it just went wrong. He ended up cheating on me with a slacker chick who was more like him. This really threw me for a loop, because he repeatedly told me he was wildly attracted to my brainy side, and I was oh so excited (and wanted a piece of) his fast life. It never fizzled for me, but it did for him - and it hurt.
After this, I started going for what I thought were polar opposites of my bad boy. Dependable, stable, etc. But, these guys failed too. So, I was at a complete loss.
Then, I found a book called "How To Be Irresistible To A Man" that helped me answer a lot of these questions. And, as it turned out - the answers lied WITHIN ME, NOT WITHIN THE MEN I was attracting.
To find my soul mate and finally get my happily ever after, I'd need to first work on myself! I know it sounds confusing, but bear with me, because this is life changing.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
The Answer In Finding The Right Man - FINALLY
I must have read How To Be Irresistible To Men one hundred times. I really had to reinforce and embrace the fact that finding and attracting "the one" for me had everything to do with my getting a handle on my true self.
Simply put, attracting the RIGHT MAN is developing YOURSELF in the RIGHT DIRECTION.
I learned, and I now firmly believe, that intimately knowing yourself and what makes you tick is VITAL to attracting, getting and keeping the guy who is right for you and who is going to make you happy.
Yes, you can play all sorts of games to attract and lure a guy, but at the end of the day, if these games are not your GENUINE self, you can not keep up the facade. It is all based on a house of cards that is going to crash down eventually.
And, most important, this is NOT GOING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY LONG TERM. You want someone to share your life with because it is going to make you happy, right?
So, why attract the guy who isn't going to do that in the long term. Yes, you could play games and get someone to want you, but that doesn't mean he's going to LOVE THE REAL YOU.
Don't you want to spend your life with someone who really gets and loves the real you? Someone that will be easy for you to talk to and share with? That you don't have to hide from?
The truth is, you can study a man and"get him" and then play a game because you truly understand him and HIS wants, but this isn't going to make YOU happy because you don't yet understand yourself and what makes you truly happy.
I learned that if you really want genuine lasting love and a man who is in love with the REAL YOU, then you need to learn WHO the real you is.
Amy Waterman, who is the author of this book, is phenomenal at coaxing you to get at the heart of your core, and your true likes and dislikes. (It turns out, what I thought I wanted a guy was WRONG!) The book offers tons of quizzes and exercises that will really open your eyes and steer you along the right (but often surprising) path.
Simply put, attracting the RIGHT MAN is developing YOURSELF in the RIGHT DIRECTION.
I learned, and I now firmly believe, that intimately knowing yourself and what makes you tick is VITAL to attracting, getting and keeping the guy who is right for you and who is going to make you happy.
Yes, you can play all sorts of games to attract and lure a guy, but at the end of the day, if these games are not your GENUINE self, you can not keep up the facade. It is all based on a house of cards that is going to crash down eventually.
And, most important, this is NOT GOING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY LONG TERM. You want someone to share your life with because it is going to make you happy, right?
So, why attract the guy who isn't going to do that in the long term. Yes, you could play games and get someone to want you, but that doesn't mean he's going to LOVE THE REAL YOU.
Don't you want to spend your life with someone who really gets and loves the real you? Someone that will be easy for you to talk to and share with? That you don't have to hide from?
The truth is, you can study a man and"get him" and then play a game because you truly understand him and HIS wants, but this isn't going to make YOU happy because you don't yet understand yourself and what makes you truly happy.
I learned that if you really want genuine lasting love and a man who is in love with the REAL YOU, then you need to learn WHO the real you is.
Amy Waterman, who is the author of this book, is phenomenal at coaxing you to get at the heart of your core, and your true likes and dislikes. (It turns out, what I thought I wanted a guy was WRONG!) The book offers tons of quizzes and exercises that will really open your eyes and steer you along the right (but often surprising) path.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Breaking Old, Incorrect Patterns
Another thing I learned was from another wonderful book called "Meet And Keep The Right Man" is that there is a general common theme with women who have a lot of failed or short term relationship that many of us (me included) keep repeating over and over.
These are feelings of inadequacy and our fear that deep down, we're not good enough is called an "ineffective pattern of choice," which is sort of what I talked about before, but there's actually more to it.
The author of this book showed and proved to me that many chronically single women have a couple of things in common- underestimating themselves, feelings of isolation, and low self esteem.
When you have these things (deep down - I know now that I did) you set yourself up for self sabotage and for behaviors and relationship killers which can scare good, decent men away, and will doom your relationship every time.
These are feelings of inadequacy and our fear that deep down, we're not good enough is called an "ineffective pattern of choice," which is sort of what I talked about before, but there's actually more to it.
The author of this book showed and proved to me that many chronically single women have a couple of things in common- underestimating themselves, feelings of isolation, and low self esteem.
When you have these things (deep down - I know now that I did) you set yourself up for self sabotage and for behaviors and relationship killers which can scare good, decent men away, and will doom your relationship every time.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
How It Ended For Me, My Happy Ending
I actually took a month off from dating while I was reading these books and working on myself. I wanted to make sure I had an accurate idea of what I wanted and wanted to take the time to be sure that I could get it so that I projected and attracted exactly this.
At the end of this month, I felt really good about myself and the process and I relaxed a lot more. I vowed to just let whatever was supposed to happen. I realized that I'd been hanging on way too tight. My life was pretty good, so why was I causing myself stress with all this pressure? And, I didn't want to put out the "desperation vibes" that could scare a good man away.
I decided to use what I had learned when the opportunity presented itself and just have fun in the process. Well, I did have a few false starts with a few guys, but I wasn't trying that hard, I knew what I wanted, and I knew I deserved happiness and wasn't going to settle for anything less. So, when these relationships didn't take off, it didn't deter me at all.
One day, I was hanging out at a place that I loved (but where I never tried to meet men - I often went there to just chill) when in walked the man who is now my soul mate.
And, as the books said, I knew it pretty quickly. And guess what? It wasn't hard at all.
I didn't have to "act" into him.
I didn't wear a facade or try too hard. I didn't have to focus on what signals I was sending out because he just elicited genuine feelings in me that were obvious.
I didn't have to pretend I was someone that I was not.
Because he is exactly what I truly deep down wanted, I am automatically my best self around him as I am genuinely interested in him, his experiences, and his happiness.
(Interestingly, he is sort of a mix between my two previous types. He was a "bad boy" in his younger life, but today he's a responsible, successful, caring guy who I know is going to make a great husband and father.) His name is Josh and I adore him to my core.
We have been dating for a year and a half and got engaged on Valentine's Day. He is 100% worth the considerable wait. It just gelled. And it has been fantastic. I am so grateful I took the time to educate myself about who I am and where I was going wrong.
When you think about it, I put more effort into researching buying a toaster than I did in finding a life partner and this is just silly.
Please believe me when I say that you DO NOT HAVE TO SETTLE and YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PLAY GAMES OR PUT ON AN ACT.
Really take the time to define what you want and identify the patterns you are probably repeating over and over. I promise if you do this, the rest will fall into place and you can be happier than you've ever imagined.
Both of the books I talked about offer freebies that will get you well on your way. (Amy Waterman offers a six day free ecourse with quizzes and exercises that are excellent, and Nicole Miller offers a list of the top five mistakes women make that almost always kill a relationship.) I'm out of room on this first blog page, so if you want to read about or get more info on these, click here.
At the end of this month, I felt really good about myself and the process and I relaxed a lot more. I vowed to just let whatever was supposed to happen. I realized that I'd been hanging on way too tight. My life was pretty good, so why was I causing myself stress with all this pressure? And, I didn't want to put out the "desperation vibes" that could scare a good man away.
I decided to use what I had learned when the opportunity presented itself and just have fun in the process. Well, I did have a few false starts with a few guys, but I wasn't trying that hard, I knew what I wanted, and I knew I deserved happiness and wasn't going to settle for anything less. So, when these relationships didn't take off, it didn't deter me at all.
One day, I was hanging out at a place that I loved (but where I never tried to meet men - I often went there to just chill) when in walked the man who is now my soul mate.
And, as the books said, I knew it pretty quickly. And guess what? It wasn't hard at all.
I didn't have to "act" into him.
I didn't wear a facade or try too hard. I didn't have to focus on what signals I was sending out because he just elicited genuine feelings in me that were obvious.
I didn't have to pretend I was someone that I was not.
Because he is exactly what I truly deep down wanted, I am automatically my best self around him as I am genuinely interested in him, his experiences, and his happiness.
(Interestingly, he is sort of a mix between my two previous types. He was a "bad boy" in his younger life, but today he's a responsible, successful, caring guy who I know is going to make a great husband and father.) His name is Josh and I adore him to my core.
We have been dating for a year and a half and got engaged on Valentine's Day. He is 100% worth the considerable wait. It just gelled. And it has been fantastic. I am so grateful I took the time to educate myself about who I am and where I was going wrong.
When you think about it, I put more effort into researching buying a toaster than I did in finding a life partner and this is just silly.
Please believe me when I say that you DO NOT HAVE TO SETTLE and YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PLAY GAMES OR PUT ON AN ACT.
Really take the time to define what you want and identify the patterns you are probably repeating over and over. I promise if you do this, the rest will fall into place and you can be happier than you've ever imagined.
Both of the books I talked about offer freebies that will get you well on your way. (Amy Waterman offers a six day free ecourse with quizzes and exercises that are excellent, and Nicole Miller offers a list of the top five mistakes women make that almost always kill a relationship.) I'm out of room on this first blog page, so if you want to read about or get more info on these, click here.
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